Friday, May 19, 2006


One of the many things I love about America is that we really have a lot of lattitude to do any damned fool thing we want. You want to immerse yourself in a ball full of water for public viewership? Get the permits and go for it. Some poeple will even watch you on television. You want to be a visible member of a crackpot religion that some dude just made up whole cloth? Go for it, Mr. Cruise. The First Amendment is glorious. You want to watch the Soap Opera network and eat nothing but Ding Dongs? Be my guest. (Bobby Ewing comes back; it was all a dream.)

But there is a flip side to all of this freedom. I too have freedom to exercise First Amendment rights, and don't resent it when I do. David Blaine is a self-aggrandizing douchebag. Scientology is a scam. Most fat people are not victims of some disease. You buy the ticket, you take the ride. You can do most anything you want. But the rest of us do not have to endorse it and we can choose to mock it.

I thought of all of this when I read this article in the New York Times announcing that Nevaeh is the 70th most popular baby name for girls, ranking ahead of such stalwarts as Sara, Vanessa and Amanda. Now do not get me wrong -- the world does not necessarily need another Sara, Vanessa or Amanda. But Naveah, "Heaven" backwards, is just, well, dopey. Let me spell it out for you: Singing bombastic country songs about the flag or kicking Osama in the ass, say, does not make you a better American. And while I am all about finding names from outside the mainstream, naming your baby "Naveah" does not increase your little girl's chances of eventually becoming a nun. People can name their kids Apple or Blueberry or Chocolateyyoohoo or their boy "Sue." I don't care. But when she is giving handjobs for crack, I am going to make fun of poor, strung out little Naveah. That is gospel truth that even L. Ron Hubbard cannot refute.


Cram said...

I have friends who teach elementary schools and the names some of these children (all of whom come from poor families) are sometimes so funny, the only thing one can do is laugh. Aside from virtually any insane spelling of otherwise "normal" names (like Tifenni, or Mikal) the following are my personal favorites (NOTE: These are actual names of students):

- Shithead (pronounced "sheh-theed")

- Lemonjello (pronounced "lamon-jalow")

dcat said...

My goodness. I honestly do not even know what to say, except that little Shithead is going to grow up and be an axe murderer. This much, we know.


Anonymous said...

Toby Keith isn't a better American? Learn something new every day...

montana urban legend said...

Of course, had the conception occured on a night of passionate drunken ecstasy, then they always could have considered the name Shitface - (pronounced "Sheh-tfa-say").

Son of "Sheh-tfa-say" works well too, as a tribute.

dcat said...

Anonymous --
Sometimes we have to deflate accepted conventions here at dcat. Sometimes we have to take stands that are unpopular. So no, Toby Keith is not the uber-American.

MUL --
I have to say, if anything has piqued my interest in the last week, it is the precise origins of that name.
Cram -- help us out here! Are we dealing with foreigners? Jokers? Hippies? Morons? All of the above?


Tom said...

Obviously you all have not seen Toby Keith's Ford commercials.