Bringer of Calamities

Recently I started subscribing to a couple of The Guardian's email newsletters mostly to keep my Anglophile freak flag flying. One of the daily emails they offer is something called "The Fiver" (because it is sent out at 5:00 GMT and so arrives in my inbox midday), which is a soccer (i.e. "football") epistle. It is irreverant and clever allows me to brush up on my global, and especially Premier League creds. in any case, the following from today's email made me chuckle:

APOCALYPSE NOT YET

Who is Andriy Shevchenko trying to kid? Not content with failing to justify even a fraction of his transfer fee to Chelsea, the man who invented sharks, ripped open the ozone layer, sunk the Titanic and lit Krakatoa today accused the media of exaggerating his negative impact on the world. "I am being made a scapegoat for things that have nothing to do with me," he whined. "It's bull$h1t."

The Ukranian is particularly upset at suggestions that he's at the centre of the rhubarb between Chelsea megalomaniacs Roman Abramovich and Jose Mourinho. "There are things written about my relationship with Abramovich which have been exaggerated," wailed the man believed by some to be the reason there is no life on Mars. "My relationship with him is the same as every other player, it is entirely professional" continued the destroyer of Atlantis, adding: "I see Abramovich in the dressing-room sometimes or occasionally at training. We might have a quick word with each other but that is natural as we both speak Russian. Maybe I shouldn't speak Russian. Maybe that gives people the wrong idea."

After distancing himself from Abramovich, the former goalscorer snuggled up to his manager. "I have the greatest respect for him," hollered the extinguisher of the dinosaurs. "He has won two titles at Chelsea and he has won Big Cup [with Porto] ... He has proven he's a great coach and a winner ... if he decides I'm not capable then I just have to work harder. It doesn't matter what I think. He has the final say and it is not just about Shevchenko. If he decides I'm not OK to play I will go back to training and do what I can to get back in the team." Meanwhile, in unrelated news, meteorologists today warned of an immense storm of destruction that will beat down on Portugal if a certain Ukranian doesn't play at Anfield this Saturday.

On the whole American sportswriting is the best and most in-depth in the world, but in other countries, and especially the UK and Ireland, there is a sense of irony that our saportswriting often lacks.