Context Free Headline of the Year (So Far)

"Dogs Don't Use Condoms".

(Bonus: Pamela Anderson is prominently involved, but then again, of course she is.)

Friday Bat S#!t Watch

Apparently Peru's bat poop market is thriving. Good for the Peruvians. Good for the bats. Though their labor likely goes unrewarded. Capitalist swine. The machinery of capitalism is lubricated by the . . . poop of the bats?

Mmmmmmm Bacon . . .

Tired of your old alarm clock? Does the shrill screech or noisome buzz make you want to toss it out the window, preferably with malice aforethought at the yapping dogs next door? Well some certifiably brilliant folks have the idea for you: Wake 'n' Bacon, the alarm clock that wakes you up not aurally, but olfactorally (which may not even be a word, but roll with it), to the genuine smell of sizzling bacon. God bless ingenuity. (Hat tip to Steve-O.)

Colon v. Wang: Headline Writer's Dream Confrontation

As the folks at Fire Joe Morgan argue, "It's Early... but the contest is over. This is the absolute best headline of 2007: Royals To Get A Taste Of Angels' Colon. Sort of hard to disagree, though as I pointed out yesterday, we may at least need to acknowledge that "Yankees Wang Hit Hard by Rangers" is going to get some votes.

Let's face it -- both Wang and Colon represent the low-hanging fruit for headline writers. And I say "Amen" to that.

Juvenile Titters From Headline of the Week

The official Yankee fan of dcat (Though my friend KO'C also qualifies), Holmes, wrote the following email to me this afternoon: "Call me immature, but this is making me laugh my arse off:" "Yankees' Wang hit hard by Rangers"

Amen, brother.

Who Hasn't?

Once again, the headline sort of says it all: "Educator forgiven for throwing faeces." I think I speak for all of us in education at all levels when I say that we've all done it.

As If The Jersey Turnpike Is Not Treacherous Enough . . .

A judge in New Jersey has declared that if it involves a Zamboni it ain't drunken driving. That sound you hear is celebration overtaking the Oranges.

Let's Get It On . . .

Maybe the headline says it all: "Bear porn leaves pandas cold." The story comes from Bangkok. A taste:

Thailand's Chiang Mai Zoo on Monday resorted to artificially inseminating a female panda after failing to stimulate a natural liaison between two pandas on loan from China with some bear pornography.

"We have to admit that the panda pornography failed," said Sopol Damnui, director of Thailand's Zoological Park Organisation.

The organisation had been piping in panda porn to the air-conditioned cage of Chuang Chuang, six, and Lin Hui, five, at the Chiang Mai Zoo since March 26 in the hopes that the scenes of explicit sex would prove an inspiration for the inexperienced couple.

Such a well-hatched scheme did not yield fruit? I must say that I am shocked.

Friends Don't Let Arachnid Friends Drink and Weave

Please, I entreat you, do not allow spiders to drink or take druge and try to weave webs.

Hat Tip to Steve-O.